How To Make Your Point & Not Just A Lot of Noise: Conversation Cheaters and Debate Defeaters

Introduction

I have wondered what my first article of 2010 would be and I had given some long and hard thought concerning it. I have always been disturbed about the lack of real debate and real dialogue that takes place in our back-and-forth discussions in our society and world. This is not a new phenomenon; nor is it isolated to our political landscape --- it can be found in our homes, offices, congregations and schools.

I would like to discuss a few of these sure dialogue stoppers that prevent understanding and thwart real communication.

1. Try to refrain from using "always" or "never":  Human beings may be peculiar creatures of habit, but rarely can it be said in our interactions that we are either always guilty of something or incapable of doing certain things. I want to make this personal. Think about your personal or familial relationships; then think about the myriad discussions, conversations and disagreements that you have had that have met an impasse at the intersection of always and never.

Either we've been guilty or accused of the always or never conversation cheater: "You never listen to me;" "you always focus on my faults," etc.  In the heat of the moment; in the wake of the most recent perceived injustice; in the aftermath of the supposed last dig that broke the proverbial camel's back, these assertions just spill out. Examine carefully these allegations before you allow them to leave your lips; your pen or your keyboard.

When we use words such as rarely, frequently or often, then, I believe, we will find that our counterpart will be less likely to become entrenched in a position that they themselves don't agree with or forward an argument out of spite (because they believe they've been mischaracterized) rather than substance.

2. Maintain focus: I have been part of debates and dialogues in-person and online, where the issue becomes clouded or overrun by unrelated subjects. I've seen otherwise valid points get lost in a maze of babble, convoluted conjecture and diarrhea-like mental rambling.

Yes, I believe that issues and subjects can be and sometimes are, connected. Nevertheless, a person's attention and time should be treated as having value, so when you have it or take it, try to stay on topic. Additionally, and maybe I'm taking this for granted, when you take the time to remark on an issue or subject, count what you have to say as having worth as well --- of so much worth that it would be a shame if the person (or persons) that you are exchanging your views with could not see the golden nugget of your valid point because of the meaningless stones you keep piling on top of it.

If in the course of making your point you don't seem to know where you're going, you cannot become indignant when others refuse to follow.

3. Don't depend on labels, catchphrases or slogans: It seems, at times, that a great many in our society and world desire to boil down complex and multi-layered issues to the size of a bumper sticker. Sloganeering and catchphrases have come to rule in the place of critical thought and introspection --- this tension has always been present in our human interactions. Now let me be perfectly clear: that which is complicated and can be broken down to be better understood, should be. That isn't what slogans and catchphrases are however. They are a seeming shortcut that leads to a dead end in true debate and honest dialogue; it gives the false impression of understanding and it seeks to win converts to a particular point of view rather than to aid and abet in enlightenment or discourse.

Labels work in the same fashion as well. I will not get into all the different labels that we use in order pigeon-toe our intellectual opponents, there are far too many to name.   Derogatory labels have the ability to either stop the process of the exchange of ideas before it gets started or they encumber the exchange with the excess baggage of preconceived notions and prejudices.

Like a soft, but steady rainfall, this stigmatization washes over us and seeps into our unconscious minds; creating an automatic recall system whenever we hear or see the label. In other words, I don't have to get to know you because I already know you… you know?

Labels, in my opinion, are the result of the frustrated and limited mind seeking to express itself --- it is trying to make sense of the world it lives in (and this is right and good), but has chosen an extremely lazy and erroneous way of doing it.

4. Study, study, study… and again I say study: Statistics can be altered or slanted; experts can be flawed or even bought; every political or social dogma has its prophets and its scribes. Nevertheless, I believe that research and study is a good and necessary thing. There is no point worthy of having that was attained without the rigors of study.

What I mean by study is the thorough research, pros and cons; for and against, of any given issue. If I'm lacking in that sort of commitment to knowledge I am, in a way, forfeiting my right to have a strong opinion on a subject. It is altogether proper and good to begin with a principle (i.e. the common good); I further believe that we can know certain things innately. Yet, even if one has arrived at certain principles innately, if they are going to communicate those principles to others, they must study.

It may be a fantasy, but my dream is that people would have enough regard for themselves, others and the issue being discussed that they will take the time to actually make some effort to know what they're saying before they actually say it or write it.

Dear reader, we may have a right to have an opinion, but we have no such right to have that opinion heard or respected. I believe that the principles laid-out won't just be a help to us in our writing but in our relationships --- whatever those relationships might be.

It has been said, especially on these pages, that passion is a key component in a writer and I agree. Nevertheless, unless passion is tempered with humility and wisdom, it is akin to the very useful invention of fire: a wonderful and good thing in the fireplace, extremely destructive on the roof.